There is absolutely no good reason

content note: psych abuse, sexual assault

I was hospitalized for the first time when I was 12. I'd been in an adolescent outpatient program in one of the two large local hospitals for a few days when, unbeknownst to me, my family and the hospital staff decided I could not be kept safe at home.

I wailed and sobbed when I learned I wasn't going home at 5pm— despite abuse at home this place scared the shit out of me. They walked me down to another floor to a locked ward and I was handed over to one nurse.

She took me into what would be my room while I sobbed and screamed. I was made to strip in front of her and was not given a gown. She performed a "cavity search" while my face was red and swollen from wailing.

For over a decade I thought this was "normal;" even after having comparatively less-violating experiences later as an adult in wards. I found out from a friend who'd been in the same adolescent inpatient many times that my experience was an abuse of many policies; that I had been assaulted. I still don't know why it happened. Was it because I had no idea, or frame of reference, to know it was wrong? Because I was small, young, and weak? Because myself and another girl in the outpatient program had been holding hands, holding each others' thighs, in attempts to exercise some control over our environment?"She took her opportunity," is what my friend told me. And as an adult I am told by strangers and loved ones that there was no other way to guarantee my safety. That I must have needed and deserved it. That if I can't think of an alternative, I should shut up and be grateful.

There is absolutely no good reason to allow, perpetrate, and encourage the sexual assault of children— especially not in the name of keeping us safe, of protecting us.