Wasting Space

content note: psych abuse

This is about my experience of receiving therapy while being institutionalized.

The first time I saw a therapist was after a couple days of my attempt, and was right before I was supposed to take a shower for the first time while I was there. By this time I was still on suicide watch which ment that I had to be watched 24/7. It didn't matter how much I didn't want this, I had no say. So I'm holding the clothes I'm going to change into after the shower and I'm lead to my therapists office. At this point I can't stop shaking thinking about how once this session is over I will have to shower naked in front of someone and no matter how much I don't this, I cannot say no. This is for my safety after all right? I can't be trusted to shower in privacy, they have to watch me for my safety, they just want to "keep me safe". So, I'm dealing with the effects of the drugs and my fear of what's about to come when the therapist starts asking me why I tried to kill myself. However, I couldn't answer her question because I didn't know, I was a different alter in the system made to deal with the constant stress of being in danger at this psych ward, so I can't answer any of her questions about my life outside of here. Because of this, all of my doctors constantly act like I'm being difficult on purpose by not speaking honestly. The more I'm unable to answer the therapists questions, the more frustrated the therapist got, which only made me more scared and unable to speak. I was also semi verbal at the time and switching alot with different alters trying to find anyway to answer the questions so she doesn't get more mad at me. But, ultimately, we can't figure it out. Whoever has the answers and the ability to talk to this therapist keeps hiding out of fear. A different protector eventually manages to take the front and tried to tell the therapist about the abuse we were facing at home only for the therapist to immediately dismiss us by telling us how much our parents care about us and love us and we were lucky to have such good parents.

So that protector left, they realized this wouldn't be the refuge from the abuse they hoped it could be.

So at this point, the dissociation gets worse and now we are struggling way more to answer the questions, which only makes the therapist madder.

Eventually towards the end we realized we failed, the therapist doesnt want to take us off suicide watch because we won't cooperate, and she tells us that we shouldn't be in the psych ward, that because we were there, other people who deserved help and actually wanted help couldn't get it because we were there instead. And at the time i believed her. So we were fine and taking away resources from people who actually deserved them but at the same time she kept us on suicide watch which ment the hell would continue.

Looking back now, I am still amazed I survived and somehow made it out of there. But I also now understand how traumatizing it was to be told at 16, after you just tried to kill yourself because the abuse at home was inescapable, that you were wasting resources by taking up space at a place you were court ordered to be. I was taught that losing my autonomy and right to consent and make decisions for myself was for my own good.

Afterwards I looked so hard to find more people who had been traumatized by a psych ward, and all I found was resources for relatives of people who were mentally ill and articles about why we have to deny people basic human rights because they're mentally ill and are not human enough to deserve having rights. Because it's for their safety right? What does it matter if we get more trauma? The "treatment" only served to remind us how it's only right that we be alienated and isolated from support and community.

I know how I survived, the other people who were in there with me. Meeting others like me who were also crazy and mentally ill and fine with it, they helped me realize that I wasn't alone, and I think that's why they tried so hard to keep us from forming relationships with other people in the ward, they want us to be "normal" and hate that maybe we don't want that. Even though it's now been years, I'll always be changed by that experience. I will always be angry about how the system treats us, everyone deserves basic human rights.